The Rabbi's Advice
A man came to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, " he said "something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What is it?"
"My wife is poisoning me." the man said.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked "How can that be?"
"I'm telling you, Rabbi," the man pleaded. "I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offered "I'll tell you what. Let me talk to her, and see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I called your wife and spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
"Yes," the man said and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

The Writer
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moskovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics and inquired of the tour guide:
"Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moskovitz,the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moskovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.

Jewish Curses
May your mother-in-law move in with you.
May you run out of Matzo balls on the night of the Seder.
May your Tfilin stop your blood flow.
May your pig be diagnosed with H1N1.
May your face be smashed with a cheese cake on Yom Kippur.
May your wife work for Letterman.
May your daughter-in-law convert to Budhism.
May your TV get stuck on the PBS channel.
May Lehman call you "Brother".
May you be sentenced to 151 years in jail.
May your hairpiece be blown by the Santa Ana winds.
May the IRS audit you.
May the FBI declare you a "person of interest".
May Michael Jackson adopt you as a son.
May you be the runner-up on the Big Loser.
May you purchase "Demons and Angels".
May you appear on "Wanted".
May you forget to return "Rocket Science for Dummies" to the library.
May you stay at a Donald Trump hotel.
May you accept the free trial offer of Acai Berry.
May you be rejected by the "Bachelorette".
May you take a one-way trip to Cleveland.
May you be selected as "Walmart Employee of the Month".
May you own an analog TV.
May your girl friend need an abortion.
May you live in New Jersey.
May your daughter get hold of your credit card.
May you be elected as the head of the KKK.
May you be as popular as Dick Cheney.
May Oprah hug you.
May you become a customer of SuperSize XL.
May your Rabbi have a sex-change operation.
and finally
Many happy returns of your Brith.

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